darkend glass

I really hate this feeling. It's 3 AM again, and here I am writing another blog about how I feel. Sounds crazy, but it seems I only write when things aren't going so well, or I have worries. Maybe this is a way of either venting my frustrations or in some strange way a help to calm my worries. Either way I'm going to rant, and hopefully it helps; if not well then sorry.

Its usually at the end of a play, or right in between two plays that I start to feel this way. I think that it is because I actually have free time to sit and think about my troubles and thus comes the worries. I've had a good year for plays so far, I've been Avram in Fiddler, Linus in You're a Good Man Charlie Brown, a Dreamer in Secret Garden, and soon to be Bottom in Midsummer Night's Dream. So nothing I can complain about there. But really I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I use to know. It all made sense at one time. I still like doing the shows, don't get me wrong, I'm just not sure what I'm pursuing.

I'm unfulfilled. Unhappy. Not sure where I'm going, or even how I'm going to get there. I got some great advice from one of my old theatre professors last time I was visiting Campus. He told me not to wait for the lights to be green to go after what I want. Its sound advice. I just don't know which direction I'm going. Light color makes no difference if you're standing still.


Fiances are really weighing me down. I keep getting deeper and deeper into dept. I even have two jobs now, but that isn't helping as much as it should. When I can't even work 30 hrs between two jobs something is wrong with those jobs. Its not like I don't have the time to work, I do, I can put in a full 40 + hr work week, it's just that I'm not being used well enough. In a little over a month I'll have to move again; my friends are coming back and they will want the have their apartment again. So I'll have to find a new place. Not sure how I'll pay for that, I have yet to pay for the months I've been living here already. I just simply don't have the money.

I don't know where to turn or what to do. I'm drifting again...

Finally Doing It

It's finally happening! I'm finally moving out. Here I sit writing this, my last blog to ever be completed in this residence, I can almost hear the angelic choirs singing a melodious tune. To say I've been waiting for this day for a while would be an understatement. I've been dreaming of this day since the day I moved in. For some reason I seem to have put my dreams aside and dredge through the days.

Now is the time to look to my dreams. Now is the time for action. Now. Now I shall live somewhere else. Where am I going you ask? I'm taking care of an apartment of some friends of mine while they are away at Mack's Inn for the summer.

The only downside to this move is that the apartment doesn't have internet. I guess I'll just have to make due somehow. All I know is things are going to be great!

Well really I need to finish up this blog so that I can pack up my computer and get everything into my new place.

Paradigm shift.

So wow. I'm just blown away. I don't know if I have the words to adequately describe everything that I'm thinking right now. I guess it is always best to start at the beginning, because it is a very good place to start.

A long time ago, maybe 20ish (wow I'm getting old) my family moved to a little town in Idaho from an even smaller town in Idaho. We moved into a little house down on Brent street ready to start our new lives. For you see, my dad had accepted a new job and needed to move us all instead of taking a needless 2 hour commute. My young self found the move very exciting and was rather quick to make new friends with the neighbor kids. Almost instantly I became good friends with one kid that lived maybe three houses down.

In now time we were best friends. We were always playing at each others houses and sharing almost everything little kids shared. Maybe it was because we were both the youngest in our families had something to do with it. Soon school started, and amazingly we were in the same class. So obviously our friendship continued. Our friendship even continued when he moved across town. It helped that the town was small enough that we were still going to the same school. He moved to a much bigger house that was a lot of fun to play in. Not long after we moved to a better home, somewhat closer to his. He was my first and best friend in this town.

It was about this time that our friendship started to take a turn. He did something that ended things. In retrospect it wasn't the worst thing someone could do, but I'll just say that it was something to lose trust and so our friendship dissolved.

Years flew by. I made other friends in grade school. Some that are still my friends today. After sixth grade I moved away, but kept coming back time and again to spend time with those other friends. My other friends became friends of this kid in Jr. and High school, and there were times when all of us spent time together. Granted it wasn't too often. But having mutual friends meant that we would have to see each other some time. I was always at least civil at these times, but we never really talked much.

I remember that it was sometime in High School that I really forgave this friend for what he did. Now I never told him that, or did I ever try to become friends with him again. I just sort of went my own way.

Now this is what really blows me away. This friend has recently sent me a 'friends request' through facebook. A few days ago I saw this and didn't do anything about it, but now I found a message attached to the request. This friend feels bad about what he did, and he is now apologizing for it. And now wants to be friends again, and catch up on our lives. WOW. That just blew me away. I don't quite know what to think. I never thought in a thousand years that we would ever be friends again. Never expected him to come to me in this way. I never knew he still thought about that incident. I'm still shocked and not sure what to do.

I'm sure I'll accept the request, but wow 15 years of catching up...that could take some time. Still, wow.

I Wish...

For today I really only want one thing. Its a simple thing, and yet I don't think i will get it. Its something that I've received before, but doubt will receive this year. Just one thing. It really isn't too much to ask for is it? Yet I don't have much hope in receiving it.

I'll be home for christmas!

If only in my dreams.










(there was more to this post, it just got deleted when I timed out from blogspot. In it was my venting of my frustrations with my car as well as my resilliant attitude and thoughts of making it home... sorry you missed it, I'm not recreating it tonight. )

...

Ok, I will admit it, it has been a long time since I've posted anything. Now I could chalk it up to finally being busy with work or all my time lost in another play, but the simple fact of the matter is I didn't know what to write. It seems that most of the time I feel like writing are in times when I'm not doing the best. Times when life is been rough with me, tossed me around a few times. And really I didn't want to sound depressed, or get anyone down by my morose mood. I hate to admit it, but I'm there again.

I'm at the verge of things collapsing yet again. Every day finds me striving to get more hours at work, more time at a job that barely pays anything with no real recognition for the hard work that is put forth. My nights are filled with doubts and fears leading to no action taking.

In the end, I just don't know what I'm doing. I don't know where things are headed. I don't know where I wish to go. I lost my direction somewhere along the way. I don't know what I want. I don't know where to look for it. I don't know what "it" is that I'd be looking for anyway.

I used to think that I just need to move out to get "it" all back. And though I believe it will help, I shouldn't have to rely on such outside stimuli to find happiness. The Great Charlie Brown once said that happiness is finding a pencil. I guess you could say that joy could be found in the little things. But really it is the little things that are most upsetting these days. Not getting into that play really put a damper on things. Not being right for the part feels the same as not being good enough. I hate not being "good enough".

I think I lost where I was going.

Taking that step.

I'm finally doing it. I'm finally going to do what I've been dreaming of doing. I'm going to do what I've talked about doing for months now.

That's right I'm moving out. The date is set for Oct 1st. Less than a week away. All I have to do now is find a place to live, figure out how I'm going to pay for my own apartment, and hopefully get a full time job to be able to support myself with more than just the first months rent. So it is a little scary and exciting to be doing this, not really knowing where I'll end up or if I'll be able to survive. But it is time to do it. I need to move out. I've wanted to move out. So now is the time.

Someone not too long ago said that when a decision is made, it really doesn't matter how it will work out. If you put your mind to it, it will work out, for the decision is made. All that is left is the doing of it. So I've made my decision. Now I just have to see it through. You don't have to worry about me too much, I do have a plan on how this is all going to work. I should be able to come up with at least the first months rent without a problem. Food could be scarce for a while, but that is just a minor thing. I recently picked up about 6 bottles of jam from my mom, so all I need is bread and peanut butter and I'm set for a while.

Finding a place isn't going to be too tough either. Craig's List is my new best friend. Every day people are posting ads asking for roommates. So really the only problem is finding a full time job. Now this is something that will come, I just know it will.

I had originally written more, but found I was getting off topic and turning my joyous news into something rather depressing. And I wish to end this on a happy note. I'm not sure what the future holds, I just know that I need to do this. Even if it is the wrong time or thing to be doing. I need to do it. I need to get out of this basement, I need to leave my cave. Here's hoping the sun is a shinin'.