Tis the season...

The past few days, I have been trying to put into words just how I feel this particular Christmas season. It has been no easy tast writing, deleting, and rewriting this blog however many hundred times I have done it. And Now I will give it another go, even if my computer is not displaying my words correctly as I type them.

This season, more that any other, has felt less like Christmas than I should have hoped. It could be because of the lack of travel on my part, or the fact that we didn't have a tree, or many other reasons. It just didn't feel like Christmas shoud feel. This year was not like year's past.

Being the youngest, and grown, leaves little of the old traditions that we used to have. No longer do I feel the need for waking up at 4 to scope out what was left under the tree. Usualy because it is already there before I go to bed. My brother was always the first up; I have always been a fan of sleep.

We'd look under the well lit tree for what seemed like hours, sometimes it was. My Parents would refuse to wake up before a certain time. Usually that ment 4 AM. We would sit down and one by one open gifts. Usually Mom would want pictures. I never understood why, all of us looked terrible, something about capturing the moment I guess. After the opeing, parents would be back to bed, while we would fall asleep watching one of the new movies we just aquired. Then around 8 or so, Mom would wake back up and make us breakfast.

All the old traditions are gone now. We have all grown up. It must be that time when I move on, and make new traditions with those I choose to have around me. Sure it is sad to lose those things you love to do, but joy can also be found in the new. I look forward to those many new Christmases. I will strive to make them better than what this one was.

Also don't think that I will be able to keep a new year's tradition that was started up a few years ago. And for that I am sorry. I'm just not able to make it to Idaho this year, even though I really really want to. Maybe the tradition can be altered slightly as to still keep it happening.

I guess what I'm really trying to say is, Merry Christmas to all!

Instead of sleeping...

This past month I have been finding myself staying up later and later, finding more and more excuses why not to go to sleep. I say to myself, if I was going to try to sleep, I would be finding it difficult to do so taking up to an hour to actually fall asleep. So logically, if I stay up for the time that I would just be lying on my back thinking, "I wish I was asleep," then I'm not really wasting any time. And in all reality I could be using my time to actually do something worthwhile. Then I get to starting something and think nah, this something will take so much time to do, and I don't really want to spend that much time doing it. So I don't usually get around to doing much of anything.

And it is at times like this that I'm reminded of a very peculiar little bear who nobody thought did much of anything. He just was. He was different than me. He didn't worry about the time it took to do something, or worry about finishing his tasks. He just went about his way doing what he thought would be best.

And as you can see, my mind has wondered and the post became random. I'm going to bed now.

Leaving it all behind

Its hard to say goodbye to something you have enjoyed for a little while. Its even harder to say goodbye when it all ends so quickly and you are left unto yourself. I recently finished the play Peter Pan. Like most plays, you spends months working upon it, making it some grand spectacular thing; then in a few short days it all ends. Minutes to tear apart what months took to build. This one was quicker than most with only four days of production. It really was a great production. I had the enjoyment of playing a pirate again. Hawkeye Pete lived again for a short while. Its really hard to express in a few short words how great the production really was. Now I'm left wondering when I'll see those people again. It won't ever be in the same setting with all of them ever again. For that I am saddened. It has finally come, the time for me to let the show rest, and to look towards the next show. Fare thee well, Peter Pan. Thy days were short and grand.

This blog wasn't created just to talk about the play. I've had a few things I've been keeping inside, letting them build and fester. I'm sure If I had been around people I wouldn't have been the greatest person to be around. I have had more than what I would deem my fair share when it comes to bad luck and hard times. While my whole world was crashing down around me, I lost some part of myself that I should never have let go. Now its time to get it back. I would be the first to tell you that it isn't the easiest thing to look on the lighter side or look for the good in the situation the past few weeks. In reality it sucked. Now I'm ready to move on. I'm ready to look to the good things I have in my life and work from there. Maybe its the coming holiday or something else, but I do feel as if I have a lot to be grateful for. Though times make it difficult to see; if I focus and pray, it is viewable.

I'm going to head towards greater things, shedding the skin of despair. I'm ready for Life's next adventure.

And for those reading, Thanks.

And then some...

So I get done with an awesome three performances of Peter Pan on Saturday and I hear a sound that none of us likes to hear coming from my back tire. That's right a flat. After all that strenuous work performing three shows, I get the pleasure of also changing a tire. I pulled over to the nearest place I could, sadly it wasn't as well lit as it could have been. It didn't take too long to change, the usual 25 minutes.

Now I have one more thing to add to my list of things I need to pay for, but don't have the money right now. This being the one of the most important since I need my car to get me places. Lets face it, as good as UTA is, it just isn't enough to get me to where I'm going unless I'm headed downtown or to the University (in those instances I take TRAX). Right now I'm just wonde3ring how long the donut tire will last me. Will it be with me long enough for me to go to job interviews, find a job, and last until the first paycheck comes around? That's what I'm praying for.

When the rain comes...

I really don't know how to put into words the things that I wish to say. I'll try starting this way.
Have you ever heard the old saying, "When it rains, it pours," ? As cliche and outdated as it sounds, I find it to be a true statement. In life's countless struggles, the only times we as humans ever truly acknowledge the rain fall in our lives is when it is coming down in droplets the size of golf balls.

These monstrous droplets of rain represent every bad situation that could happen at this time in my life. The funny thing about water is it sticks to itself; the more droplets you have, the bigger the puddle. It would seem that the puddles turned to lakes, and the lakes to oceans and it is still flooding.

This analogy is the best way to describe how my life is going right now. Now you don't have to worry too much, I am still swimming. I haven't given up hope yet....just not sure of things to come. This past week it all came down....things that I have been trying so hard to hold together fallen apart. I've been putting on a good front...not too many people would have noticed. Wednesday was the worst....I broke down. I don't let myself break down. Thursday and Friday weren't the best of days either.

It was during those moments when the clouds burst dropping larger and larger droplets of rain upon my already sinking ship.

I'm reminded of a dream I had a while back. I was at the helm, but only a portion of the massive wheel was visible to me. The other part was hidden inside a box. I struggled long and hard to pull the wheel out of the box, trying to gain more control of the vessel. With a huge pull the box disappeared and the wheel folded itself four times leaving a fraction of its former glory. What does this mean? I'll let you decide. Why I decided to share it, I'm not too sure.

Now I find myself very water logged and weary, but I still go on. Time will help. Sorry loyal readers if I sound too depressing.

I don't normally like to talk about my problems simply because they are my problems, mine to deal with, and mine to fix, mine to let fall apart, mine to wish they belonged to someone else. Are they challenges to strengthen character? Maybe. At least that is the thinking of great men. Thinking of someone stronger than me, a more perfect person. Maybe I should try talking to him.

The funniest thing is, that the day it all came crashing down...Wednesday, it snowed... My rainy day turned colder crystallizing the droplets... That's all I have to say about that.

A blog by any other name

What is a blog? Have you ever really thought about it? Really what is it? I've been contemplating the meaning of this word for some time now. Did someone some day just make up the word? They were probably thinking to themselves, "hmmm. I wish to rant and rave about a particular topic or maybe even nothing at all. I wish to do this online, so that everyone in the world and their dog can have a taste of my mind. The problem is, I don't have a word that captures the magnitude of this globally viewable journal that I wish to publish. Rant and Rave just doesn't give enough justice. I know I'll make up a word.......I like the word log, as in logging in or logging down what I think, but that alone isn't enough. maybe it could be something with blah. Thats it! blah-log. Yes blah-log." Sadly to the man's dismay, the blah part, which is really what they are all about, was shortened to just a b. So there you have it blog. So maybe this is a fictitious story that I made up to explain why in the world do we call it blogging. 20 years ago, the word didn't exist in the English language. This phenomenon known only as blogging is so big that a new word had to be made up to capture its grandeur. Shakespeare is known for creating new words that have become cannon over the course of time. I may not know where the name came from, but I do know it for what it is - a small word trying to describe a multitude of people's opinions, philosophies, ideas, stories, rants and raves. Millions upon millions of differing concepts all binded together in one category: A Blog. I just don't know how such a simple word can do it without bursting from the pressure. Its a huge task for just a simple word. Thus I leave you with another of my own personal Blogs.

Something I should have said.

Today I have a post that I've been meaning to post for about two weeks now.

Not too long ago I was having a conversation with a male friend and a female friend. Their names shall remain hidden for the sake of I don't want to tell everyone in cyberspace who they were. So there. Conversations with these two are always interesting and unique. They have varying opinions on relationships, and wouldn't you know it, the conversation turned towards relationships. My male friend spoke about a girl that he had wanted to date. She gave the excuse to end all excuses, "I'm planning on going on a mission." Now this is only listed here as an excuse to illustrate or drive home my friend's point. That is to say that my opinion will be stated later, this is his opinion. He found out that the girl was engaged a short while after, thus confirming that she was using going on a mission as an excuse.

Now going on a mission is a wonderful thing, for anyone male or female. For the female it isn't expected of them to do so. They choose if they want to or not. Some females think that since they aren't in a relationship or married by the time they reach the ripe old age of 21 that they might as well go on a mission. So feel that they should go way before they reach this age. Usually the ones that do this put off dating, or are more selective in the dating process than they would be if not planning such an excursion. My male friend believes that women only use this as an excuse to not date somebody.

It was about this time that my female friend stated that maybe the girl had all intentions of going on a mission then something prevented her. In this case it was a marriage. Some women do that. They feel that they have every intention of going, then something prevents it from happening. She then said that she herself had told someone that she was going on a mission, then three weeks later she was dating someone. Obviously my friend hadn't gone on a mission or she wouldn't have been there talking with us at that point. I was taken back a little that she mentioned said story. She also said that sometimes women have every intention of going. That is where the fault lies is in the intention.

At that point I should have brought up the time where a girl had told me she was going on a mission, but then didn't. A girl who I have had feelings for since the time we worked together and was having a difficult time trying to tell her so. She had a boyfriend when we first met, but I was still hopeful. Winter came, her boyfriend left, and the thought came to her that she should go on a mission. Don't get me wrong, it was a noble thought for her to want to do this. A mission is a wonderful thing. There is nothing like preaching the gospel for 18 months or 2 years. I heard that she was going, and I felt that I couldn't let her go without telling her how I felt about her. On a side note, she to this day hasn't told me how she felt about me. I was supportive of her going, but couldn't help feel like she just wanted to get away. Get away from her life for a while; go someplace new where she could think and sort everything out. I believe that she believed she had every intention of going. To me, it seemed like she was looking for a way out. Out of what exactly, I'm not sure. Sometimes people just need little escapes. I've taken plenty of them.

Imagine how I felt when I found out that three weeks later she had a boyfriend and was no longer planning on going on a mission. I didn't get to talk to her for a few weeks later when I found out she was planning an escape to another country for a few months in the coming summer. Like I mentioned earlier, she needed an escape.

I don't believe that all girls use the going on a mission excuse just to get out of dating someone. Some do, and it is a terrible thing to lie like that, to use something so sacred and noble as a scapegoat just to get out of dating a particular person. I'd rather the girl just say that they weren't interested. Ladies, Men can handle the truth. On the other side, there are certainly those who truly have their heart's intent upon going on a mission when something happens in their life that alters what they had originally intended. I guess I'm not really defending either side of the discussion, I simply should have chimed into the discussion stating what had happened in my life.

So Here I am, moving my blogging over to blogspot. I don't quite know if it is a good decision or not yet. Well it is a site devoted to just blogs and people blogging, so I guess it is the place that I need to be placing my blogs.

World, I'm here! and I'm ready to blog even if you aren't ready to ready what it is that I have to say.