I'll be home for christmas!

If only in my dreams.










(there was more to this post, it just got deleted when I timed out from blogspot. In it was my venting of my frustrations with my car as well as my resilliant attitude and thoughts of making it home... sorry you missed it, I'm not recreating it tonight. )

...

Ok, I will admit it, it has been a long time since I've posted anything. Now I could chalk it up to finally being busy with work or all my time lost in another play, but the simple fact of the matter is I didn't know what to write. It seems that most of the time I feel like writing are in times when I'm not doing the best. Times when life is been rough with me, tossed me around a few times. And really I didn't want to sound depressed, or get anyone down by my morose mood. I hate to admit it, but I'm there again.

I'm at the verge of things collapsing yet again. Every day finds me striving to get more hours at work, more time at a job that barely pays anything with no real recognition for the hard work that is put forth. My nights are filled with doubts and fears leading to no action taking.

In the end, I just don't know what I'm doing. I don't know where things are headed. I don't know where I wish to go. I lost my direction somewhere along the way. I don't know what I want. I don't know where to look for it. I don't know what "it" is that I'd be looking for anyway.

I used to think that I just need to move out to get "it" all back. And though I believe it will help, I shouldn't have to rely on such outside stimuli to find happiness. The Great Charlie Brown once said that happiness is finding a pencil. I guess you could say that joy could be found in the little things. But really it is the little things that are most upsetting these days. Not getting into that play really put a damper on things. Not being right for the part feels the same as not being good enough. I hate not being "good enough".

I think I lost where I was going.

Taking that step.

I'm finally doing it. I'm finally going to do what I've been dreaming of doing. I'm going to do what I've talked about doing for months now.

That's right I'm moving out. The date is set for Oct 1st. Less than a week away. All I have to do now is find a place to live, figure out how I'm going to pay for my own apartment, and hopefully get a full time job to be able to support myself with more than just the first months rent. So it is a little scary and exciting to be doing this, not really knowing where I'll end up or if I'll be able to survive. But it is time to do it. I need to move out. I've wanted to move out. So now is the time.

Someone not too long ago said that when a decision is made, it really doesn't matter how it will work out. If you put your mind to it, it will work out, for the decision is made. All that is left is the doing of it. So I've made my decision. Now I just have to see it through. You don't have to worry about me too much, I do have a plan on how this is all going to work. I should be able to come up with at least the first months rent without a problem. Food could be scarce for a while, but that is just a minor thing. I recently picked up about 6 bottles of jam from my mom, so all I need is bread and peanut butter and I'm set for a while.

Finding a place isn't going to be too tough either. Craig's List is my new best friend. Every day people are posting ads asking for roommates. So really the only problem is finding a full time job. Now this is something that will come, I just know it will.

I had originally written more, but found I was getting off topic and turning my joyous news into something rather depressing. And I wish to end this on a happy note. I'm not sure what the future holds, I just know that I need to do this. Even if it is the wrong time or thing to be doing. I need to do it. I need to get out of this basement, I need to leave my cave. Here's hoping the sun is a shinin'.

Short...

I've learned from a good friend of mine that hopes, dreams, and ultimately life changing decisions all revolve around a trip to the Barber. It seems a little strange that just by hacking off a few inches of hair can change so much, or inadvertently reflect so much of one's life. I never really thought about it before, until today: the day I cut my hair. Mind you, I have only cut my hair once since in moved here close to a year ago, and I never really minded too much having it as long as I had it. I kept it long through three different stage performances. Today was the fateful day when the locks had to go.

Now there are many reasons that could be said as to why I cut it, and not too many good ones as to why to keep it. I needed the change. But it leaves me to wonder, what is the life changing decision, or hope or dream fulfilling that is supposed to follow? Has this, or will this spark something in me to motivate me to move forward in my life and follow my dreams? Will I finally be able to find that ever eluding well-paying job that I so desperately seek? Who knows. All I know is, I cut my hair and it looks good. Life, Adventure, and dreams - let them come as they may.

I'm moving out!

Have you ever sat down and took stock of all the things that you have accomplished in the past year and wonder, wow, where did the time go? I am just amazed at how quickly this past year has disappeared.

It has almost been a whole year since I moved out here. Back then I felt that coming here was the right decision. I knew that even if I didn't fully understand the reasoning. I still don't. Somehow in the time that I've been here, I've lost track of a few things. I wasn't supposed to still be living in my Dad's basement, but here I am. I just can't believe it has been a whole year.

Too much time I have wasted. Its time to move on. Its time to move out. I just wish I had the funds to do so. Which means that though I feel it is time to move, I will have to wait a little bit longer until I am financially able to do so. I've been wanting to move out the day I moved in. So what has taken me so long? Why did I let myself be pulled into the doldrums of life? That's not me, that's not what I'm striving for.

No. It is time to move on. Time to actually set and achieve my goals. I'm hoping that in writing this that I can gain the confidence and motivation needed to actually follow through. For it is very hard to get going from being in a stagnant state. But it is time to actually do something. Time to feel like life is worth living again. No more holding back. No more hanging out in the cave just because it is a comfortable place to be. Its time to put myself on the line again.

Imagine...

While watching my favorite show to watch online, Chuck, I came across something a little unusual: A commercial featuring a talking dead man. To put your fears to rest, I'm not talking about a zombie or anything of the sort. I am however talking about an odd, cleaver and very disturbing manipulation of a man's image and a not so well impersonator creating the voice to help a charity.

At first I didn't know what I was watching, it starts so subtle that you have to listen to the key words or wait for the image to fully come clear. It sounded like a member of a certain British rock band from the sixties. But no, thought I, it couldn't be this man has been dead for more years than I have been alive. I've scarcely seen actual footage of him, unless you count that one movie based off of the one of the bands songs that I owned as a child. No not that one, the first one they did, before all the tripped out drugs and eastern learnings. The keys words then echoed in my mind, 'Imagine", "Learn", "Dream", "Achieve anything they want". Then came the most obvious statement: "I tried (past tense mind you) to do this with my music..." As I kept watching the images came into a focus, a picture on a screen of a man who seemed to be saying the words I was hearing. Yes that is right, the picture was of John Lennon, the Beatle who died in 1980.

Upon seeing this I was shocked, and instantly went to work researching the ad. Had they really just used John Lennon to try to promote their cause. Why would someone do such a thing. Why would they use someone who is dead when surely they can get someone who is living, someone who can actually give their opinion about the cause to help the cause. But no, this could not be done. This company had to "resurrect" someone, to try to get supporters. I was shocked to find out that the departed's wife Yoko Ono was supportive and gave them the footage to use.

If you look closely you can see that the words you hear are not the ones that John is speaking on the Television Screen, though they are close. And if you have actually seen and heard Lennon before, weither in real life or from recordings you would know that this voice isn't his. But to the untrained it might sound similar.

Again, my question is why? Was it to stir up the prolateriete, to get everyone in the country to wonder about this add so much that they tell their friends, blog to the world, and ultimately spend hours upon hours just thinking about it? All so that their name and reason for being could be heard? It seems the same as digging up a corpse. These praverbial Dr. Frenkensteins have uprooted a legend. Brought him back to life, and forced him to speak in their behalf.

Just to clarify, I'm not knocking the cause, just the means about which they do their buisness. Or advertising rather. Is it ethical? Well that would be something to think about.

My words to you One Laptop Per Child (OLPC) are thus: As another Beatle would so fondly put it, "Live and Let Die."


By the way, the video in question can be seen here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4b4GkGMiBDQ