Idle

Hello world, or rather, my few, if any, readers.  Its been a long time, almost a whole year.  I know, where does the time go?  I'll admit, i have a plethora of excuses that I could use to say why I haven't written any posts in such a wide space of time: I've been too busy, I don't want all most posts to sound negative, I have nothing to say, I have nothing to write about.  But the simple fact is, I've been lazy.  It really doesn't take much to bust out a post, to rant about what has been bothering me and what not.  Sadly I just haven't put forth any energy to make my mind work since I didn't want to really and truly think about my problems at hand.  For in essence that is what blogging is; putting down your deepest and emotionally motivating thoughts  on paper (or the internet rather), and then taking an introspective look at how you really view the world.  I imagine it is very close to what journal writing is, or should be, except of course everything you "write" is broadcast so that almost anyone who has a mind could read your works.  This is where the true challenge lies.  If one knows their audience it can change the way that they choose to lay down their thoughts.  I for one have many times not posted certain things knowing who is out there and could be reading.  This adaptive challenge can be a thrill and a fuel if used correctly.

Now the ins and outs of blog posting depending on ones audience isn't what I had intended on writing about today.  Oh no.  I have a much grander thoughts, at least I think I do.  And I apologize now if I start to sound a little depressive and melancholy, not my intent, but may very well be my outcome.

I'm sure I've come to this realization before, and I've probably posted about it too.  But I really Have no clue what I'm doing with my life.  I've realized that i'm unhappy, lonely, and sometimes even bored.  I don't currently have any goals or ambitions that I wish to reach.  I'm just drifting along a sea of hopelessness not sure which way is North, or even where do I get/make a paddle.  Now let me back track a little and add a little more personality to this to maybe circumvent your thoughts away from calling police just in case I was feeling suicidal.  Trust me, I'm not.

This year marked my 30th year.  A mile stone.  A great achievement, I guess.  It is something that is celebrated almost but not quite to the extent of turning the adult age of 21.  It is supposed to be this big grand thing, yet to me it felt like just another day.  Don't get me wrong, this wasn't some sad birthday where my roommates forgot or didn't tell me to get home since there was a surprise in the works.  No, this year my roommates remembered the day.  One was terrible about keeping the secret and I knew what he had planned almost from the beginning even though I never really probed, and he never said any real details to me.  But when you are told to go to a store for something arbitrary and wait until a certain time you kind of know that something is up.  It was great to see my friends come out to my place way out in the boonies.  I was really surprised at some of the people that did show up, being that I wasn't sure that they would make it.  But the full illusion was shot when I arrived at home to find a friend walking through our complexes parking lot.

As great as the party was, I didn't feel like I've achieved or even conquered what was needed to be passing by such a milestone.  Maybe I just don't feel accomplished.  I don't feel like I've really done anything with my life.  I graduated high school 12 years ago.  Maybe my life just isn't living up the the expectations that I had when I was younger.  I didn't know what I was going to be doing, it just seemed like it would be more fulfilling than this.

I'm single.  I always thought that this would be something that I would have rectified by this age or point in my life.  I don't want to be alone.  Its not like I'm living some elaborate bachelor lifestyle that would take a one in a million girl to change.  Granted, I am looking for that one in a million girl, but still not living it up in my bachelorhood.  I would love to find this wonderful gem of a human being and spend all my time with her.  I hate being single.  The worst is your friends that happen to have someone in their lives.  Case and point, not too long ago my roommate invited me to go bowling with him and his girlfriend.  Originally it was to be a group gathering with lots of people, in the end it turned out to be two couples and me.  When I got the call I was at work, and was given two hours to find a date.  Not knowing anyone that could make such short notice or that I have such a deep relationship with that they were just waiting for my call so we could do something.  No I didn't have that.  I was told to come anyway and that I wouldn't be a fifth wheel and we could bowl all night.  Work got out late, and I had to go home to change first.  Upon arrival, they were happy that I had shown up, but were just finishing their last round.  So much for bowling all night.  Everything played out just as I had called it.  I was a fifth wheel, and nobody stays extra rounds just because the fifth wheel was late.  Then when I try to explain my situation, his girlfriend gets mad at me and says I could have brought a date.  With the odds that stacked against me, there was no real hope.  She doesn't understand things like that.

I'd like to find someone, so that next time the odds are stacked against me, I could have an ace in the hole.  I want to date.  I want to go out and have a good time.  Right now, I'm somewhat afraid that one, I don't know where to meet someone, and two, Its been so long since I've been on a date that I wouldn't know what to do.  Now the second one isn't really a worry, I mean, once on the date you sort of just go with the flow assuming the flow is a good one.  The real problem is knowing where to go to meet someone, because lets face it, most of the single girls I knew are now married or in a relationship, or live too far away for any sensible thing to happen.

 So to rectify the situation, I need to meet some new people of the female variety.  How does one go about doing this?  I would think that finding someone who has similar interests is the best.  So I would need to do something that I enjoy where I could be social-able and meet people.  Lets face it, this hasn't happened much since I graduated college.  And back then I wasn't searching for anything really serious.  I'm a fan of theatre and enjoy acting in the occasional play.  I've found some major issues with this venue.  I'm either not good enough, or not a good enough auditioner to make it into many of the mainstream productions so I have done many community theatre roles.  These productions either have women who are either way too young (talking high school age) or much older.  Now occasionally I will meet someone who is close to my age and is what I deem worthy to date, except for the ring on the finger binding her to another.  I don't like to date from my ward, I'm trying to keep the single's ward meet market thoughts from my head as I go the church.  I also tried institute this past few weeks only to find that the girls in summer institute are really young and that I've had to work every week during institute.

So what other venues are there.  I really don't do anything.  I don't go out since I don't have anyone to go out with.  And You can forget the bar scene.  I don't drink, but I have been into a few bars in my lifetime.  The type of women that you can find in bars are not the type that I'm looking for.  I am looking for someone of similar beliefs, but i'm also not looking for the norm "meat and potatoes" type girl as a friend of mine put it.    I'm also not quite looking for the exotic sushi, but maybe something in between.

I've also had a problem for years of setting one girl in my mind and not letting go even when we weren't dating.  It started in high school.  I knew a girl, she was awesome, always energetic and had this sort of pull that brought people to her.  For years afterwards I would judge all girls up against her.  I did it again with another girl.  Even though we weren't really dating, I always had a thought in the back of my mind that somehow some way we would be together.  Having that in my mind prevented me from fully pursuing  a different girl, who I've just received a wedding invite for.

Granted, just being single isn't the only thing that has got me down.  But it is a big one.  For when you have someone, they can help lift you up at the end of a long and agonizing day.  I also happen to have a job that doesn't pay nearly enough, and I'm lucky to be getting 30 hours a week.  I need money to survive and pay off my long standing debt from student loans.  And I've had to come to the conclusion that though enjoyable, my degree in theatre performance hasn't really helped me in a career pursuit.  My other problem with work, is that I don't really know what I'd like to do with myself on a day to day basis.  I haven't found a job that I can both enjoy and survive from.  I don't feel I was meant for the dreary day to day work environment that will suck out your soul.  My dad says that it doesn't matter what you do as long as the pay is good.  I disagree.  I need to get some sort of enjoyment out of it, otherwise what is the point of going?  I'm ok with not being rich.  But in this world we live in, we need to work to survive.  I just don't know where to go to apply myself.   I am not too fond of my living situation either.  Hate the apartment I'm in, and could do with better roommates.  But thats something for another time altogether.

So here I am, Unsure.  Unsure of what to do.  Unsure of where to go, or even what to pursue. I'm not finding joy in my day to day.  I'm not really going anywhere in my career.  I don't have goals or things to accomplish.  I'm also single and sick of it.  To top it all off, I don't really know what to do with myself to fix these things.  Any suggestions?