darkend glass

I really hate this feeling. It's 3 AM again, and here I am writing another blog about how I feel. Sounds crazy, but it seems I only write when things aren't going so well, or I have worries. Maybe this is a way of either venting my frustrations or in some strange way a help to calm my worries. Either way I'm going to rant, and hopefully it helps; if not well then sorry.

Its usually at the end of a play, or right in between two plays that I start to feel this way. I think that it is because I actually have free time to sit and think about my troubles and thus comes the worries. I've had a good year for plays so far, I've been Avram in Fiddler, Linus in You're a Good Man Charlie Brown, a Dreamer in Secret Garden, and soon to be Bottom in Midsummer Night's Dream. So nothing I can complain about there. But really I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I use to know. It all made sense at one time. I still like doing the shows, don't get me wrong, I'm just not sure what I'm pursuing.

I'm unfulfilled. Unhappy. Not sure where I'm going, or even how I'm going to get there. I got some great advice from one of my old theatre professors last time I was visiting Campus. He told me not to wait for the lights to be green to go after what I want. Its sound advice. I just don't know which direction I'm going. Light color makes no difference if you're standing still.


Fiances are really weighing me down. I keep getting deeper and deeper into dept. I even have two jobs now, but that isn't helping as much as it should. When I can't even work 30 hrs between two jobs something is wrong with those jobs. Its not like I don't have the time to work, I do, I can put in a full 40 + hr work week, it's just that I'm not being used well enough. In a little over a month I'll have to move again; my friends are coming back and they will want the have their apartment again. So I'll have to find a new place. Not sure how I'll pay for that, I have yet to pay for the months I've been living here already. I just simply don't have the money.

I don't know where to turn or what to do. I'm drifting again...