I kissed a girl. And I liked it.

So it finally happened.  After all these years of waiting, and wishing and hoping, on this night it finally happened.  I was able to ring in the new year with a kiss right at midnight.  With that being said, there are both good and bad things about how it happened and the what happened after. This wasn't my first kiss ever, just the first time I've been able to ring in the New Year with a kiss.

Lets start at the beginning.  I went with some friends out to a Night Club because they were having a New Years Cosplay night.  If you don't know what Cosplay is, then we really aren't friends.  Google it. So the jist is costuming.  There. Happy.  You don't have to use your brain to move your fingers to click on the mouse so you can tap into the vast knowledge that is on the information Highway.  Anyway, we had gone out dressed up to a club.  I had met this girl who was dressed as the Baroness from G.I.Joe.  Again if you don't know what it is, look it up.  At first we had hit it off.  We were dancing together and having a fun time.  When Midnight rolled around I had made sure that I was in the vicinity of her, just in case.  Sure enough, when the time hit, we kissed.  I was expecting just a small friendly kiss, but as I pulled away she lingered.  So I went in again.  I can't say it was the magical experience that you see in movies where the two people meet and instantly fall in love and all the joy and happiness of the world is felt in their electrifying kiss.  It wasn't that spectacular.... but it was really nice and enjoyable. She later said that I was a good kisser.  Now I'm not very good at complimenting back, and I really don't have a huge list of girls that I've kissed to compare the kiss to.  I liked it.  That's all I know.

Later in the night I found out that my friend had been making out with the same girl.  The dance hall wasn't very big and I took notice when both of them were missing.  I think she felt a little guilty when she found out that it was my friend.  I'm only a little upset.  After all we weren't dating, she isn't my girl.  Tonight could have led to something.  Not now.  I take a little solace in the fact that I kissed her first and was able to get that grand "midnight kiss".  Before heading home, she did come back and thank me for being the first kiss of the new year.


I look forward to the day when I will spend times like these with someone I truly love.  My one and only.  I love the holiday season and I look forward to the time when I'm with someone I truly care about so that these days are magical.  Getting kissed at Midnight is great.  Kissing the one you love and can't live without is something that words cannot fully express; something that poets and artists have been emulating in their works for centuries.  Someday I wish to have that.  Someday that will be mine to have, to share, to experience.  Someday.

Today I kissed a girl at Midnight.  2015 started with a bang.  I have a good feeling about this year.  This is to be my year.  A year of great things to come.  A Year of looking past the bad, the unfortunate things that have happened, or may yet happen.  A Year of new beginnings.  A year of hope and life.  A year of Me doing great things.  Its like the summer of George in Seinfeld,  The Year of Borg.  I like that.  Today I kissed a girl at Midnight.  That's my takeaway.

Somewhere out there...

While reading a friends blog post, I came up with some questions that I figured I'd flesh out in my own blog post.  I really enjoy reading her blogs.  In a more recent one she responds to a male readers comments.  It was very good, but I was still left wondering something that I've been thinking of quite a lot about of late: where do you find the good and decent people that we are ultimately looking for?

 To say that the dating pool is shallow is an understatement.  Since moving to Utah, I've barely gone on any dates.  Granted most of that is my own fault for not asking such and such out when I had a chance. But Even after not asking said one or two girls out, I find the places where with to meet/get acquainted with potentials to be very limited.

Singles wards seem to be filled with the girls on the younger side of things that are still naive to the way the world works.  Strangely enough, I'm looking for someone a little over 24, which is a rare sight to find in Utah.  It seems most get married off before that age, and if they are single at 24 or above, they are divorced and/or have kids.  I don't mean to sound shallow, but that isn't what I'm looking for.  And yes it is rare in this day in age, but I am looking for a virgin.  When debating moving to Utah, finding a potential spouse wasn't the only thing that influenced my decision, but knowing that it is a state with many LDS people, it was on my list.  Worse still is that my job limits me from going as often as I'd like, so I really don't have any friends or social contacts in said ward.  Which of course makes it harder to want to keep going if you don't have any friends you can relate to.

Through the years, I've found that looking for potentials at work is a really really bad idea.  For starters, if things get going, then end badly, well you still have to work together.  Still have to see each other all the time until one or both leaves the company.  For anther, there just aren't any good looking girls in my current job.  Honest.  There just isn't.  I take that back, there have been a few good looking girls, just not ones that are my type.  They just had some other baggage that turned me away (boyfriend, married, kid, not LDS, nose ring/tattoo). And you wouldn't believe how many pregnant girls came though last season.  Also working where I work, single potential dates don't often walk through the door.

As far as my chosen social activities, there are few there as well.  I like to participate in theatre and act when I can.  The shows I usually get into happen to be on the community level.  Now I'm not going to dis community theatre today, that deserves its own blog with varying degrees of quality depending on where and who is producing.  That being said, I've met a few potentials in said places.  The first one, was fun, but I knew right away that she wasn't right for me.  Call it what you will, I just knew that we weren't a good fit.  So I didn't pursue.  The second I met though the same theatre company.  This girl was fun, enjoyable, and I even had an in: she didn't have a car, and I could drive her to the show.  At first I didn't think of her in that way.  It wasn't until we were in a second show together at a different location (and yes I drove her there too).  We got to a point of silence while driving to the rehearsals.  I didn't know how to bridge the gap.  I wasn't sure if it was a silence of "I like you, but don't know how to pursue", or "you are just a weird guy, but thanks for the rides".  I like to think it was somewhere closer to the first.  But it turned out that I didn't know how to go about it, and left things as they were.  She is Married now.  It was fun, but just slightly awkward to go to their wedding reception.  As far as others I've met in theatre, its only after that I find out how awesome a female is and they we have a lot in common that I find out that they are married.  Needles to say, I'm not holding my breath at finding someone though theatre pursuits.

Should I spend money and try out the new age of looking online?  For as well all know, there are no crazies online. I have had my profile and a few pictures up on certain dating sites for a few years now.  Don't judge me!  The main problem, aside from the insane online, is that you have to pay money to be able to send an e-mail or chat with others that could be found on that site.  The sites even go so far as to remove e-mail address' that I put in my profile so that people could contact me.  In hindsight it is smart to not have your e-mail just hanging out there for the world to see like phone numbers and address' on Facebook.  As far as the money for full access, I have yet been unwilling to bite the bullet on that one.

Does one need to go back to college to try and land a potential mate?  Or at least to find people to date?  When i was in college, there were plenty of single people that were willing to go on dates.  Sadly enough I didn't ask too many out.  Most of my dates I actually went on after the girl asked me out.  Only with one did I go on a second date with.  She asked.  But no third.  She tried, but I declined.  She was one of those crazies that just wanted to get married at 19, just after high school without maturing beyond the high school dating methods.  Not only was I not ready for marriage then, but she wasn't sane enough for my liking.  Needless to say, the very next guy she dated she married.

So at the moment, I don't know of anyone that I could ask out, just for a friendly date.  The potential pool is pretty much dry.  I'm unsure where to go or what to do to find dates.  I know it should be the guy that asks, but I don't even know where to find anyone anymore.

Maybe I just need to listen to the advice that I got from my Cousin's soon to be Husband.  To Preface, my cousin is one of those awesome single LDS girls just over the age of 30.  She has been friends with her intended for quite a few years, and their story is really intriguing. When I first met him, I could instantly tell that he was one of those awesome guys and that they would be great together.  He said to me on that occasion, that he realized that he needed to work on the person that God wanted him to be, and things seemed to fall into place as he was doing that.  As I strive to work on making myself a better person, I'm still left wondering where do I meet people whom I may date?

Idle

Hello world, or rather, my few, if any, readers.  Its been a long time, almost a whole year.  I know, where does the time go?  I'll admit, i have a plethora of excuses that I could use to say why I haven't written any posts in such a wide space of time: I've been too busy, I don't want all most posts to sound negative, I have nothing to say, I have nothing to write about.  But the simple fact is, I've been lazy.  It really doesn't take much to bust out a post, to rant about what has been bothering me and what not.  Sadly I just haven't put forth any energy to make my mind work since I didn't want to really and truly think about my problems at hand.  For in essence that is what blogging is; putting down your deepest and emotionally motivating thoughts  on paper (or the internet rather), and then taking an introspective look at how you really view the world.  I imagine it is very close to what journal writing is, or should be, except of course everything you "write" is broadcast so that almost anyone who has a mind could read your works.  This is where the true challenge lies.  If one knows their audience it can change the way that they choose to lay down their thoughts.  I for one have many times not posted certain things knowing who is out there and could be reading.  This adaptive challenge can be a thrill and a fuel if used correctly.

Now the ins and outs of blog posting depending on ones audience isn't what I had intended on writing about today.  Oh no.  I have a much grander thoughts, at least I think I do.  And I apologize now if I start to sound a little depressive and melancholy, not my intent, but may very well be my outcome.

I'm sure I've come to this realization before, and I've probably posted about it too.  But I really Have no clue what I'm doing with my life.  I've realized that i'm unhappy, lonely, and sometimes even bored.  I don't currently have any goals or ambitions that I wish to reach.  I'm just drifting along a sea of hopelessness not sure which way is North, or even where do I get/make a paddle.  Now let me back track a little and add a little more personality to this to maybe circumvent your thoughts away from calling police just in case I was feeling suicidal.  Trust me, I'm not.

This year marked my 30th year.  A mile stone.  A great achievement, I guess.  It is something that is celebrated almost but not quite to the extent of turning the adult age of 21.  It is supposed to be this big grand thing, yet to me it felt like just another day.  Don't get me wrong, this wasn't some sad birthday where my roommates forgot or didn't tell me to get home since there was a surprise in the works.  No, this year my roommates remembered the day.  One was terrible about keeping the secret and I knew what he had planned almost from the beginning even though I never really probed, and he never said any real details to me.  But when you are told to go to a store for something arbitrary and wait until a certain time you kind of know that something is up.  It was great to see my friends come out to my place way out in the boonies.  I was really surprised at some of the people that did show up, being that I wasn't sure that they would make it.  But the full illusion was shot when I arrived at home to find a friend walking through our complexes parking lot.

As great as the party was, I didn't feel like I've achieved or even conquered what was needed to be passing by such a milestone.  Maybe I just don't feel accomplished.  I don't feel like I've really done anything with my life.  I graduated high school 12 years ago.  Maybe my life just isn't living up the the expectations that I had when I was younger.  I didn't know what I was going to be doing, it just seemed like it would be more fulfilling than this.

I'm single.  I always thought that this would be something that I would have rectified by this age or point in my life.  I don't want to be alone.  Its not like I'm living some elaborate bachelor lifestyle that would take a one in a million girl to change.  Granted, I am looking for that one in a million girl, but still not living it up in my bachelorhood.  I would love to find this wonderful gem of a human being and spend all my time with her.  I hate being single.  The worst is your friends that happen to have someone in their lives.  Case and point, not too long ago my roommate invited me to go bowling with him and his girlfriend.  Originally it was to be a group gathering with lots of people, in the end it turned out to be two couples and me.  When I got the call I was at work, and was given two hours to find a date.  Not knowing anyone that could make such short notice or that I have such a deep relationship with that they were just waiting for my call so we could do something.  No I didn't have that.  I was told to come anyway and that I wouldn't be a fifth wheel and we could bowl all night.  Work got out late, and I had to go home to change first.  Upon arrival, they were happy that I had shown up, but were just finishing their last round.  So much for bowling all night.  Everything played out just as I had called it.  I was a fifth wheel, and nobody stays extra rounds just because the fifth wheel was late.  Then when I try to explain my situation, his girlfriend gets mad at me and says I could have brought a date.  With the odds that stacked against me, there was no real hope.  She doesn't understand things like that.

I'd like to find someone, so that next time the odds are stacked against me, I could have an ace in the hole.  I want to date.  I want to go out and have a good time.  Right now, I'm somewhat afraid that one, I don't know where to meet someone, and two, Its been so long since I've been on a date that I wouldn't know what to do.  Now the second one isn't really a worry, I mean, once on the date you sort of just go with the flow assuming the flow is a good one.  The real problem is knowing where to go to meet someone, because lets face it, most of the single girls I knew are now married or in a relationship, or live too far away for any sensible thing to happen.

 So to rectify the situation, I need to meet some new people of the female variety.  How does one go about doing this?  I would think that finding someone who has similar interests is the best.  So I would need to do something that I enjoy where I could be social-able and meet people.  Lets face it, this hasn't happened much since I graduated college.  And back then I wasn't searching for anything really serious.  I'm a fan of theatre and enjoy acting in the occasional play.  I've found some major issues with this venue.  I'm either not good enough, or not a good enough auditioner to make it into many of the mainstream productions so I have done many community theatre roles.  These productions either have women who are either way too young (talking high school age) or much older.  Now occasionally I will meet someone who is close to my age and is what I deem worthy to date, except for the ring on the finger binding her to another.  I don't like to date from my ward, I'm trying to keep the single's ward meet market thoughts from my head as I go the church.  I also tried institute this past few weeks only to find that the girls in summer institute are really young and that I've had to work every week during institute.

So what other venues are there.  I really don't do anything.  I don't go out since I don't have anyone to go out with.  And You can forget the bar scene.  I don't drink, but I have been into a few bars in my lifetime.  The type of women that you can find in bars are not the type that I'm looking for.  I am looking for someone of similar beliefs, but i'm also not looking for the norm "meat and potatoes" type girl as a friend of mine put it.    I'm also not quite looking for the exotic sushi, but maybe something in between.

I've also had a problem for years of setting one girl in my mind and not letting go even when we weren't dating.  It started in high school.  I knew a girl, she was awesome, always energetic and had this sort of pull that brought people to her.  For years afterwards I would judge all girls up against her.  I did it again with another girl.  Even though we weren't really dating, I always had a thought in the back of my mind that somehow some way we would be together.  Having that in my mind prevented me from fully pursuing  a different girl, who I've just received a wedding invite for.

Granted, just being single isn't the only thing that has got me down.  But it is a big one.  For when you have someone, they can help lift you up at the end of a long and agonizing day.  I also happen to have a job that doesn't pay nearly enough, and I'm lucky to be getting 30 hours a week.  I need money to survive and pay off my long standing debt from student loans.  And I've had to come to the conclusion that though enjoyable, my degree in theatre performance hasn't really helped me in a career pursuit.  My other problem with work, is that I don't really know what I'd like to do with myself on a day to day basis.  I haven't found a job that I can both enjoy and survive from.  I don't feel I was meant for the dreary day to day work environment that will suck out your soul.  My dad says that it doesn't matter what you do as long as the pay is good.  I disagree.  I need to get some sort of enjoyment out of it, otherwise what is the point of going?  I'm ok with not being rich.  But in this world we live in, we need to work to survive.  I just don't know where to go to apply myself.   I am not too fond of my living situation either.  Hate the apartment I'm in, and could do with better roommates.  But thats something for another time altogether.

So here I am, Unsure.  Unsure of what to do.  Unsure of where to go, or even what to pursue. I'm not finding joy in my day to day.  I'm not really going anywhere in my career.  I don't have goals or things to accomplish.  I'm also single and sick of it.  To top it all off, I don't really know what to do with myself to fix these things.  Any suggestions?
   







 

Day 26

Day 25

Day 24

I took this while driving home. Thought it turned out quite good for taking a shot while driving.

Day 23