Paradigm shift.

So wow. I'm just blown away. I don't know if I have the words to adequately describe everything that I'm thinking right now. I guess it is always best to start at the beginning, because it is a very good place to start.

A long time ago, maybe 20ish (wow I'm getting old) my family moved to a little town in Idaho from an even smaller town in Idaho. We moved into a little house down on Brent street ready to start our new lives. For you see, my dad had accepted a new job and needed to move us all instead of taking a needless 2 hour commute. My young self found the move very exciting and was rather quick to make new friends with the neighbor kids. Almost instantly I became good friends with one kid that lived maybe three houses down.

In now time we were best friends. We were always playing at each others houses and sharing almost everything little kids shared. Maybe it was because we were both the youngest in our families had something to do with it. Soon school started, and amazingly we were in the same class. So obviously our friendship continued. Our friendship even continued when he moved across town. It helped that the town was small enough that we were still going to the same school. He moved to a much bigger house that was a lot of fun to play in. Not long after we moved to a better home, somewhat closer to his. He was my first and best friend in this town.

It was about this time that our friendship started to take a turn. He did something that ended things. In retrospect it wasn't the worst thing someone could do, but I'll just say that it was something to lose trust and so our friendship dissolved.

Years flew by. I made other friends in grade school. Some that are still my friends today. After sixth grade I moved away, but kept coming back time and again to spend time with those other friends. My other friends became friends of this kid in Jr. and High school, and there were times when all of us spent time together. Granted it wasn't too often. But having mutual friends meant that we would have to see each other some time. I was always at least civil at these times, but we never really talked much.

I remember that it was sometime in High School that I really forgave this friend for what he did. Now I never told him that, or did I ever try to become friends with him again. I just sort of went my own way.

Now this is what really blows me away. This friend has recently sent me a 'friends request' through facebook. A few days ago I saw this and didn't do anything about it, but now I found a message attached to the request. This friend feels bad about what he did, and he is now apologizing for it. And now wants to be friends again, and catch up on our lives. WOW. That just blew me away. I don't quite know what to think. I never thought in a thousand years that we would ever be friends again. Never expected him to come to me in this way. I never knew he still thought about that incident. I'm still shocked and not sure what to do.

I'm sure I'll accept the request, but wow 15 years of catching up...that could take some time. Still, wow.

I Wish...

For today I really only want one thing. Its a simple thing, and yet I don't think i will get it. Its something that I've received before, but doubt will receive this year. Just one thing. It really isn't too much to ask for is it? Yet I don't have much hope in receiving it.

I'll be home for christmas!

If only in my dreams.










(there was more to this post, it just got deleted when I timed out from blogspot. In it was my venting of my frustrations with my car as well as my resilliant attitude and thoughts of making it home... sorry you missed it, I'm not recreating it tonight. )

...

Ok, I will admit it, it has been a long time since I've posted anything. Now I could chalk it up to finally being busy with work or all my time lost in another play, but the simple fact of the matter is I didn't know what to write. It seems that most of the time I feel like writing are in times when I'm not doing the best. Times when life is been rough with me, tossed me around a few times. And really I didn't want to sound depressed, or get anyone down by my morose mood. I hate to admit it, but I'm there again.

I'm at the verge of things collapsing yet again. Every day finds me striving to get more hours at work, more time at a job that barely pays anything with no real recognition for the hard work that is put forth. My nights are filled with doubts and fears leading to no action taking.

In the end, I just don't know what I'm doing. I don't know where things are headed. I don't know where I wish to go. I lost my direction somewhere along the way. I don't know what I want. I don't know where to look for it. I don't know what "it" is that I'd be looking for anyway.

I used to think that I just need to move out to get "it" all back. And though I believe it will help, I shouldn't have to rely on such outside stimuli to find happiness. The Great Charlie Brown once said that happiness is finding a pencil. I guess you could say that joy could be found in the little things. But really it is the little things that are most upsetting these days. Not getting into that play really put a damper on things. Not being right for the part feels the same as not being good enough. I hate not being "good enough".

I think I lost where I was going.

Taking that step.

I'm finally doing it. I'm finally going to do what I've been dreaming of doing. I'm going to do what I've talked about doing for months now.

That's right I'm moving out. The date is set for Oct 1st. Less than a week away. All I have to do now is find a place to live, figure out how I'm going to pay for my own apartment, and hopefully get a full time job to be able to support myself with more than just the first months rent. So it is a little scary and exciting to be doing this, not really knowing where I'll end up or if I'll be able to survive. But it is time to do it. I need to move out. I've wanted to move out. So now is the time.

Someone not too long ago said that when a decision is made, it really doesn't matter how it will work out. If you put your mind to it, it will work out, for the decision is made. All that is left is the doing of it. So I've made my decision. Now I just have to see it through. You don't have to worry about me too much, I do have a plan on how this is all going to work. I should be able to come up with at least the first months rent without a problem. Food could be scarce for a while, but that is just a minor thing. I recently picked up about 6 bottles of jam from my mom, so all I need is bread and peanut butter and I'm set for a while.

Finding a place isn't going to be too tough either. Craig's List is my new best friend. Every day people are posting ads asking for roommates. So really the only problem is finding a full time job. Now this is something that will come, I just know it will.

I had originally written more, but found I was getting off topic and turning my joyous news into something rather depressing. And I wish to end this on a happy note. I'm not sure what the future holds, I just know that I need to do this. Even if it is the wrong time or thing to be doing. I need to do it. I need to get out of this basement, I need to leave my cave. Here's hoping the sun is a shinin'.

Short...

I've learned from a good friend of mine that hopes, dreams, and ultimately life changing decisions all revolve around a trip to the Barber. It seems a little strange that just by hacking off a few inches of hair can change so much, or inadvertently reflect so much of one's life. I never really thought about it before, until today: the day I cut my hair. Mind you, I have only cut my hair once since in moved here close to a year ago, and I never really minded too much having it as long as I had it. I kept it long through three different stage performances. Today was the fateful day when the locks had to go.

Now there are many reasons that could be said as to why I cut it, and not too many good ones as to why to keep it. I needed the change. But it leaves me to wonder, what is the life changing decision, or hope or dream fulfilling that is supposed to follow? Has this, or will this spark something in me to motivate me to move forward in my life and follow my dreams? Will I finally be able to find that ever eluding well-paying job that I so desperately seek? Who knows. All I know is, I cut my hair and it looks good. Life, Adventure, and dreams - let them come as they may.

I'm moving out!

Have you ever sat down and took stock of all the things that you have accomplished in the past year and wonder, wow, where did the time go? I am just amazed at how quickly this past year has disappeared.

It has almost been a whole year since I moved out here. Back then I felt that coming here was the right decision. I knew that even if I didn't fully understand the reasoning. I still don't. Somehow in the time that I've been here, I've lost track of a few things. I wasn't supposed to still be living in my Dad's basement, but here I am. I just can't believe it has been a whole year.

Too much time I have wasted. Its time to move on. Its time to move out. I just wish I had the funds to do so. Which means that though I feel it is time to move, I will have to wait a little bit longer until I am financially able to do so. I've been wanting to move out the day I moved in. So what has taken me so long? Why did I let myself be pulled into the doldrums of life? That's not me, that's not what I'm striving for.

No. It is time to move on. Time to actually set and achieve my goals. I'm hoping that in writing this that I can gain the confidence and motivation needed to actually follow through. For it is very hard to get going from being in a stagnant state. But it is time to actually do something. Time to feel like life is worth living again. No more holding back. No more hanging out in the cave just because it is a comfortable place to be. Its time to put myself on the line again.